Family First - Our Shared Values Part 1

How Our Definitions of "Family" Help or Hinder The Common Good

Foreword: Probably half of the reflections I've written (or at least started writing) refer at some point to values that we hold and which drive our decision-making in every area of life. But in my typical ADHD mindset, I get distracted (by too many possibilities) from the idea of sticking with one theme for a while 😕. Yet I keep coming back to the importance of values in our lives, and wondering — especially — what it means that poll after poll suggest that US citizens are remarkably similar in what they identify as their top values! (See one example here). If that is so, I can't help thinking that either a) we are much more united than I/we often imagine, or b) we are interpreting words and phrases in very different ways. Could it be both?

Some of my reflections are messier than others. This is one of them, at least partly because of my own lack of clarity about how willing I am to redefine something as personal/powerful as family. But here's what I'm reminding myself as I write — look for the hopeful, imagine/read about possibilities others perceive that I don't, and seek questions that unlock something new. And keep a thought always on what common good means — and needs to mean — for the sake of human flourishing.

According to the 2025 Gallup-Aspen Ideas American Values Index survey:

When presented with a list of 23 values and asked to choose all that they consider important to them, more than eight in 10 Americans select respect, family, trustworthiness and freedom as important values to them, and at least three-quarters say the same about kindness, health, integrity, happiness and knowledge. However, when asked to identify which values are the most important, family ranks as the top value across virtually all demographic groups.

Also see: https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/emerging-trends-and-enduring-patterns-in-american-family-life/

Because our values and beliefs shape our actions and decision-making at all levels, and because it seems that Americans are remarkably united in a few of our highest values, it feels really important to talk about what we actually mean when we say that family comes first. The Federal Census defines it this way: “Family households are defined as those that include at least one person related to the householder by birth, marriage or adoption.” A Pew Research Center study invited broader consideration of how Americans define family:

So I will ask you, readers; what do you think about when you use the word family? (And would that be the top value you identify in your own life? If not, what might you put at the top? See the survey link above for more ideas.)

Some particular questions that occur to me:

1. When people identify family, who is included inside v. outside their boundaries?

   1. Current (nuclear) family?

   2. Family of origin?

   3. Extended family (to include who? 1st cousins? more?).

   4. Those who live within a certain proximity and with whom they interact at least ____ (daily? weekly? monthly?).

   5. What about the increasing number of folks (many of whom have sought refuge away from biological family) who identify close friends as “found family?”

2. How expansive are we willing to be in our own definitions/understandings of family? And what are some ways this expansion could/does happen? And how does the presence or absence of religious faith impact this?

3. What is the difference between having family as a top value and the concept of tribalism, in which our primary (or maybe only) allegiance and effort is made on behalf of those who live either a) in close proximity, or b) with similar collective ideals and values? (In other words, when people say family is most important, to what extent do they mean ONLY their own family and not the broader concept of what family might mean to others?)

Clearly the way most of us define/understand family isn't identical to the way the Census bureau defines it. But beyond that, what I'm wondering about is the extent to which we are willing/able to see ourselves as having a social responsibility to those beyond whatever we define as family?

Saying that the most important thing in our lives is family may, for many, define the extent of how they understand the role of society and government: if things are working well for me and mine, then it's all good, regardless of the number for whom that may not be the case. What, then, is a larger society but a collection of families who benefit from connections to others, but who participate only to the extent that the benefits to them always exceed the costs? In other words, flourishing is primarily understood as localized, temporary, and exclusive (a scarcity perspective: there is only so much flourishing to go around, and I will make sure my family gets access to it, regardless of who may not).

That is what I’m noticing these days — that our self-identity as Americans, as part of something larger, is narrowing. The gate is narrowing; fewer people fit in what we consider inside and more are suspect for being outside.

Which makes me wonder:

• What is the best we can do as a society to promote a common good, when those we see as sharing common interests (community) is narrowed to only our own family?

• How might we invite discussions on that question?

• How do you perceive your responsibility toward others in society? What experiences/forces in your life have been most important in shaping that perspective?

• What are some things that encourage us to expand our sense of responsibility toward others, and that make us willing to sacrifice some of our own (or our family's) opportunities so that a greater number of people might have access to avenues for flourishing?

Maybe what we are experiencing is a narrowing of our perspective, like shrinking the field of view in our binoculars. It is certainly understandable that when things feel more uncertain, unstable, or threatening, we “circle our wagons,” retreating into places that feel familiar and safe. And family — whatever else it may mean to us — is refuge and security.¹ I wonder what might be different if — when we feel more threatened — we turned toward a broader sense of the common, rather than toward the narrower connection to a tribe? Or to put it differently, what if we made an effort to expand our definition, our boundaries, our beliefs about how big our tribe really could be?

Next Time: Freedom: For Whom and From What? Our Shared Values Part 2

Peace, Dana

1. This is not at all to suggest that everyone finds their refuge/security within a family of relatives, but that wherever we find it is what really represents family to us.