Foreword: While this post says nothing about current political/social realities — and although it wasn't my intention to do so — maybe it does have something to do with ways that those realities are impacting us: What are ways we hold onto grievances, accentuate frustrations, allow our anger to fester? But also how have we idealized other times/people/leaders of the past? How do those behaviors impact the experience of joy in our lives? And what are some ways to let go?
I have a tendency to hold onto people (and probably other stuff too) who aren't necessarily interested in being held (let alone holding onto me).
I shared previously about folks to whom I've offered words of thanks who have never responded back.1 I have also reached out on occasion to friends from childhood — in at least one recent case, someone I haven't seen in nearly 50 years, and with whom I've had almost no contact over the years.
I tend to have a somewhat (!) romantic view of the world; I idolize/idealize certain times or experiences of my life and make assumptions about the importance of those same experiences to others who were involved. So when I think back on childhood years, for example, and recognize the importance of a few people during formative or difficult times in my life, I am appreciative of what they represented to me. But quite possibly, I didn't represent the same thing to them. I suppose I was self-reflective even at a young age and never, for example, enjoyed that adolescent boy stage of creatively insulting your friends. (I didn't even like it when one of my sons and his friends went through that phase…).
I am also a deep processor, going over parts of my life with a fine-toothed-comb. (Maybe that's one of the dangers of having too much time on my hands 😅). So when I think back over memories of people (and I tend to think more — though not exclusively — about the ones with whom I had good experiences), I do so with appreciation that sometimes feels like it wants somewhere to go.
What am I looking for, I wonder? Reciprocation of the emotions and appreciation? Probably. Closure of some kind? Maybe… when you move away from somewhere as a kid (which I did three times between ages 10-12), you never get to live out the friendship — to see whether it would fade as you changed interests or whether it would endure in some fashion. So — for me at least — it seems caught in limbo… or maybe a better analogy is trapped in amber. Frozen in a state that looks like it's still alive, when in reality it died peacefully decades ago.
What I'm realizing, in language I often find useful in life coaching scenarios, is that I don't want to be an obligation to someone else; if spending time with me doesn't feel like an opportunity, I'd rather avoid it — for my own sake as well as for theirs. So I'm going to ask a question here: How might you approach an old friend in a way that offers contact without imposing it? One challenge these days (or maybe it's always been this way…) is knowing whether or not someone has received your message. But having established contact, I suspect that I — comfortable as I am with emotional language and content — may overwhelm people who are less so. Or perhaps it's that — as I considered earlier — they don't have the same attachment to that era and don't want to say that out of kindness.
I guess that part of where I am with this is that I've reached an age where beating around the bush doesn't feel useful or authentic. Yet I know that directness isn't familiar to or comfortable for many folks. I certainly haven't always been that direct — and still am not in certain settings. But when it comes to relationships, I want to be honest and open. Authentic is a word that comes to mind. Having said that, it could be that there are less burdensome ways to be authentic….
James Taylor — a favorite of mine for most of my life — has an old song with this chorus:
Just shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be just fine
If we only will
If we only will, only
Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be much better
If we only will
So that's the holding on part covered pretty well. What about letting go? At what point does it make sense to loosen the grip, to cut the ties that bind? Rarely, I suspect, do we get a clear signal from those to whom we've held on past the point of their desire to be held. In some work I've been doing around “Forgiveness Coaching,” a phrase that keeps resonating with me not only in the forgiveness process, but also in life generally is considering: How much space in our lives do we want to rent to disappointment? Because holding on to things like disappointment, emotional damages, anger, or even idealized long-ago friendships has a cost to us! They take up space that could be used for other things like current relationships.
If reading about/observing this self-administered therapy session (😅) has been helpful to you, will you let me know? To what kinds of things/people/situations are you holding on that are taking up space in your life/heart that could be put to better use? Where is an opening there for you to experience at least a bit more joy in your life as a a result? I'm on the lookout for those for myself, and will share as they arise.
As so often, words from Mary Oliver to close this post:
We Shake With Joy
We shake with joy, we shake with grief.
What a time they have, these two
housed as they are in the same body.
Peace, Dana
After my post about “The Art of Receiving Thanks,” I reached out one more time to my old coach and received a quick reply, but when I followed up with a question about the email I had sent years ago asking whether he had received it, once again there was no response. I suppose I will have to be satisfied with having put my gratitude out into the world as a kind of positive energy, hoping that it makes something better somewhere; maybe even just me for having shared it.
Hi Dana, I'm really appreciating your reflections. I think there may be another explanation for why some people don't respond as you would expect to your overtures
As a fairly introverted person, I am terrible about making the social effort with people. It takes me a while to work up the energy to respond, and I always feel like it needs to be as wonderful and personal as what I've received from them, especially when there has been a significant lapse of time.
I know this is the same terrible excuse that people make for not reaching out to people who are grieving. I should know that a messy, not enough response is better than no response at all.
I have a couple of people in my life who I love dearly - my best friend from college and friend that moved across the country - who continue to make an effort with me, for which I am deeply grateful. They call, text, forward things that I might find interesting, and I always love it when they do - but I am never the one to initiate things. It just feels a little overwhelming to make the call or send the email. I am trying to be better about this as, more than once, the impluse to "spend some time with this person sometime", has turned out to be too late.
I encourage you to keep reaching out - your efforts are probably more appreciated than you realize. You are indeed putting something positive into the universe. Apologies from those of us who selfishly tend to absorb rather than reflect.
This post resonated with me. I feel affirmed, I suppose, reading some of the questions you asked and the feelings you have. And knowing that I'm not the only one that wrestles with some of these feelings.
The point of expressing gratitude only to have it ignored makes me think about why it's getting expressed. It hurts to have it ignored, because it's like a gift being turned away. But it's also like the gift of forgiveness... A lot of times we do it for ourselves, regardless of how the other person responds. Doesn't even mean we condone what was done in the past. When I started to really sink into that, it's helped me approach forgiveness differently.
I once listened to an interesting Mel Robbins podcast on friendship. And she was talking about how it's okay and natural for some friendships to fade. That everything has its purpose and its timing. And that sometimes holding on to these friendships becomes so rigid and forced that it. It can never be the friendship it once was.
As you know Dana, I've had to do quite a bit of letting go myself these past 10 years. And I still am. It's something that I contend with when I'm trying to build more peace and joy in my life. I've recently started dipping my toe into DBT therapy work, and they have a skilled they teach called: radical acceptance. I have been delving into this, but it's an idea that I think will be very helpful for me. It can be especially helpful for folks with overwhelming emotions or sensitive people. It's pretty much what it sounds like. Accepting what is, instead of spending a lot of time and energy, fighting it or judging the past or blaming ourselves for messing up. Just accepting. They talk about how acceptance doesn't necessarily equate to condoning something and it could be something that's terribly painful... But they say you can't build or even begin to work on changing that thing until you've accepted reality as it is. That's a powerful concept to me. That you can both want to change reality but also accept it for what it is. They say that once you're no longer spending the effort ruminating over the past (and extending the pain) then you can build the peace and emotional stability to take action to try to bring about change in that reality.
It's been a helpful concept for me during this time of my life.
When I decided to go through with the divorce, there is a sermon from a pastor I saw on Instagram. It was just a clip, but he was talking about how every arrival requires a departure. We can't get to the next place (whether it's peace, growth, and milestone) without letting go of the last place.
(Dictating to my phone. Sorry for the typos!)