Success

Figuring out what it means as we go

[NOTE — I almost always write a foreword to my posts… I think it's my way of “finding my way into the story;” creating some boundaries/guidelines for the rest of the post. Anyway — that's just me trying to explain to myself why I do things certain ways. And another glance you maybe didn't need into the mind of this writer 😅].

Foreword: If you've been reading my posts for a while, you'll know that some are more social-perspective-driven, while others are more about self-reflection. This one definitely tilts toward the latter, though I eventually make my way to how we measure success within our culture. And if you are now or have ever been reflecting about your own life — whether at age 30, 60, or 80 (any readers here older than that?? Just curious…) — and compared yourself to some set of standards, I’d be curious to hear your thoughts/conclusions. The challenge I see often in myself and in my life/leadership coaching clients is a lack of clarity around our own standards for success. What would it take for me/you to confidently affirm that your life up to this point has been successful? And what might contribute to whatever you would consider to be a successful next chapter?

By a fair number of social metrics, I suppose I haven't lived all that successful of a life. (But before you lovingly leap to defend me from my self-critique, please read on 😀). I definitely never moved to the “top of my profession” — at least as it's perceived in some ministry circles: I never served a “tall steeple church” as Senior Pastor or in the PCUSA a denominational leadership role; I took one year out of a ministry job to do a sabbatical with my family — not the best career move; I took five years trying (unsuccessfully) to build a full-time coaching business (thanks to my wife, who provided quite well for us during that time!); I spent 30 years in the same town in West Virginia, a place seen by some as a “backwater;”¹ I never earned a six-figure income; I have yet to buy that (now it would be LATE mid-life) sports car; and I didn't get anything resembling a “gold watch” (or even a “certificate of achievement”) when I retired.

Career-wise, at least, my path was a meandering one. My first congregational job was a good “stepping stone” kind of position (associate pastor in a suburban Chicago congregation), but my next move was to share one full-time job in a small-medium size church with Jean as co-pastor. My next job — campus minister — took me on a pretty big detour off the “beaten path.” By the time I came back to congregational work (which, for a while, I thought I would never do!), I was in my late 50's and while I quite enjoyed my transitional ministry work (and could have chosen to do more of that work), other opportunities became more attractive; namely, moving to western NC and exploring new places (roads/trails), new music venues, volunteering, and having only as much part-time coaching work as I really want. (I recognize the luxury of being able to choose that, and am incredibly grateful).

It would be hard to say that I ever followed best practices for achieving goals, dreams, etc. Maybe because I really never had any clearly stated (or even clearly envisioned) goals and ways to measure my success in reaching them. And yes, I recognize that I'm not done — hopefully not by a long shot! But I’m certainly at least in the last third (if not the last fourth) of my life, and there are paths that are no longer realistic — whether or not I had ever truly considered treading them. Professional athlete comes to mind (🤔😅), as does getting a Ph.D. (maybe achievable, but the costs seem to outweigh any benefits to me or others at this point in my life). Am I “equivocating?” Justifying my own decisions (or lack thereof) in retrospect? Maybe. Or perhaps just interpreting through the different lenses of awareness I have now; I understand myself pretty well — what energizes me, challenges me, frustrates me, and drains me. (I certainly didn’t have a ton of self awareness when I was younger!)

One thing of which I'm aware only now is that no one ever really asked me when I was younger about what was important to me — what my values were and where I struggled with them.² Even in seminary — a place where you might think important values would be discussed — it was mostly just assumed that we all shared the same values in the same order of priority. And in the denominational ordination process, what seems to have been most valued was the ability to a) follow guidelines, and b) get paperwork in on time.

Since becoming a life coach, I definitely started asking myself — and not just clients — some different questions about what is and what has been important to me/us. So in what ways can I look back at the life I've lived so far and consider it to have been successful? (Am I just trying to talk myself into believing that? Maybe… but is there really anything wrong with that??). Another way to put it (as I shared in the foreword) is, “What would it take for me/you to confidently affirm that my/your life up to this point has been successful?”

A few thoughts:

• It's certainly helpful to have some goals — or at least good ideas of what you want to do/be/have, lest you reach a stage of life where you suddenly recognize that you didn’t and now can’t. At this point, travel is one thing that my wife and I are “negotiating:” what are the places we most want to see while we're still able? Which require the most mobility (go sooner)? Which ones can wait (hopefully 🤞) a few more years? (We haven't yet discussed what happens if we don't get to visit some of the places on our shortlist…). In retrospect, I find it a bit ironic that I never planned out career “want-to’s” with this much intentionality…

• What is the difference between pursuing passions (those things about which we have lots of energy, curiosity, and imagination) and pursuing goals? To what extent might doing the former also satisfy the latter in some way? In other words, if honoring and pursuing our passions both a) contributes to the overall good in society, and b) brings us joy, why wouldn't that be a reasonable goal?

• How does “seeking joy” figure in to our measurements for success? Or maybe happiness… though this, too, can be quite elusive to measure. More on this below.

• Community/connection has always been at or near the very top of my list. And when I consider the many people whose lives have intertwined with mine in significant ways, I know that I have been truly blessed with a sense of belonging.

• Marriage: I certainly remember that even from a fairly young age, I deeply wanted a significant other/life companion. Jean and I are going on 39 years and without her, my life would be… what?? I can't even imagine. The significance of my relationship with her can't be overstated, and we've both worked to improve it through the years. I'm proud of what we have built together.

• Kids: I always enjoyed being around kids and was confident that I wanted to have children. Now as we know, the raising of children is a different thing, which I don't believe can be adequately grasped without doing it. I'm not sure I ever felt as incompetent at anything in my adult life as I sometimes did trying to find ways to positively (and not just negatively… though that probably can't be avoided) shape both values and behaviors. Suffice it to say, though, I am exceedingly proud of both my sons — Aaron and Carter care about other people, are fun to spend time with, and are figuring out how/what to contribute to the world.

What seems to work against this kind of honest, personal assessment are the lenses through which our larger culture measures success:

• More is always better, and if we don't keep moving the bar of success higher throughout our lives, we're seen as failing. But doing so means — just as in the pole vault or high jump — that eventually we'll fail at some “height.” So we are set up for inevitable failure. And if we never wanted to become the CEO or Senior Pastor or _____ in the first place, that represents a failure of character.

• Acquiring money/stuff or becoming famous (but frequently both) are subtly (or not subtly) projected in every media. It's both kind of funny, but also deeply ironic that people are able to become famous/wealthy by projecting that they already are.

• The U.S. continues to place very low in every single study that attempts to measure “happiness.” In the 2025 World Happiness Report, we were 23rd, despite a continued insistence by many that we are the “best” country in the world. But it is rare to read anything in our news other than criticism of how such studies are conducted; rarely do we question of how the values of consumerism and achievement may be (are) impacting our sense of flourishing.

Surrounded by messages that help feed the consumer machine of our economy (and ultimately of those who seek power/control), how do we become more introspective about our own sense of what makes for a successful life? I asked my son, Aaron this question: “How (and how often) do you think about what makes for a successful life?”

Aaron: I don’t love using the word successful frankly because it puts you into the mindset that your life could be a success or a failure at the end of the day. Ultimately, I think life is just life. Maybe you have regrets and fond memories, but it feels a bit binary to call a life successful or not. Having said that, looking at the etymology of successful, the Latin “succedo” means climb, mount, ascend, advance, follow. So a successful life could mean making progress toward your ideal self. But I like to think more about what makes a happy or fulfilling life. I think what makes that is best said by Rhonda Patrick’s recent guest, Arthur Brooks. He talk about enjoyment, satisfaction, and meaning as the macronutrients of a happy life. You need all three. Enjoyment is distinct from pleasure because enjoyment is something you participate in, whereas pleasure just happens to you. Satisfaction is “achieving something through struggle.” Meaning is broken down into coherence (why do things happen the way they do!?); purpose (why am I doing what I’m doing?); and significance (why does my life matter and to whom?).

So maybe it’s my generation that gets caught up in language and expectations around success? I don't think I'll avoid using the word, but rather continue to redefine it for myself — and evaluate my life through a lens like what Aaron described (or using one I have mentioned previously - Harvard Human Flourishing Measure).

I'll close with this blessing from John O'Donohue:

To Come Home To Yourself

May all that is unforgiven in you
Be released.

May your fears yield
Their deepest tranquilities.

May all that is unlived in you
Blossom into a future
Graced with love.

Peace, Dana

1. I want to be totally clear that West Virginia gave me far more than I was able to give it; a stable, loving place/community in which to a) be myself, and b) raise my kids to value their roots, friends, connections.

2. Except in a Jr. High Sunday School class where we did (in the mid 1970's) some Values Clarification. I remember tremendously enjoying this (maybe foreshadowing things like my future Philosophy major and life coaching work??). Sadly, some leaders saw this as “too secular” to belong in the church, and it soon went away and never came back to our Sunday School curriculum.